Thursday, 15 December 2016

Said the adept to the Primarch

Hi all,
after admitting I've been struggling for inspiration recently, all of a sudden my mind is full of ideas for articles, even non-serious ones like this.

My mind said to me, 'ok Nick, picture this. let's assume that the Primarchs' never got scattered from earth, and that on the day that the Emperor deemed them fit to lead their legions, they all had to detail their equipment requirements to the adeptus.

Let's then assume that one of the adepts (I'm guessing the one at the end of the line) was responsible for recording the heraldic requirements of the Primarch for the legion's armour, specifically its colour. What would that adept's face have looked like as each passed down the line.

Dark Angels.

Black.
Ok, Black works, it's a bit evil looking, but fine, are you sure you don't want something a little less secretive?

Nope, ok black it is.

Emperor's Children

Purple? I'll be honest Mr Fulgrim, we've never issued our troops with purple armour before, it's usually considered a little, erm, bright? For the battlefield?

Deep Purple? Yes I'm sure that will make it much better.

No sir, I didn't giggle, it just reminded me of something, it should blend in quite nicely on a black night.



Iron Warriors

What do you mean, don't paint it?! If you don't paint it it's going to rust, then where will you be, your armour's going to fall off mid-battle and the enemy will shoot off your nadgers.

You don't have nadgers? Oh right, can I suggest we paint it silver instead? Our servitors will get a bit confused if all of a sudden they don't have to paint the armour coming out of the forges.

Thank you Mr Perturabo Sir.

White Scars

So, your legion is called the white scars and you want their armour white, with some red scar-like markings.

Did you study creative writing at all in your childhood?

See that digging implement over there, what would you call it?

Ok I see, White for you then.


Space Wolves

Grey? So your legion is known for carousing and feasting more so than any other, you're the only legion that has ever managed to get a space marine drunk, the majority of your warriors are ginger and you want them to wear Grey.

To be honest Mr Russ, it's not going to make them any more dull, though at least you didn't ask for yellow.

Imperial Fists

Yellow.

Seriously? Honestly Mr Dorn I know you don't have the most eccentric personality, but painting your legion in yellow isn't going to change that. Nor is it going to make them feel any braver. And quite frankly, there just aren't that many Sulphur class planets out there where it works as good camouflage.

Oh?

Ah, well that explains it, yes, hiding behind a grey wall will more than likely mean the enemy can't see you, now I understand.

Night Lords

FINALLY!

Round of applause to the man with the long greasy hair!

Not the most sensible of colours in the daytime but rumour has it you've never been outside when the sun is up, so midnight blue, excellent choice sir!

Blood Angels

Red. Any particular shade?

Of course, I should have guessed shouldn't I? May I ask why?

Oh right, so the blood doesn't show. Is that your blood or the blood of those who are sent to your legion's quarters late at night...?

No sir, I won't speak of it again sir.

Iron Hands

Not another black - look I told your brother it makes you seem suspicious, people won't trust you.

Well, yes, I suppose we do trust machines. Oh, right. Well I suppose it will mean a certain number of suits will go further.

Only one gauntlet? Whatever for? It's a very long time since that look was in fashion.

World Eaters

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put my foot down here, this is getting ridic....

clurghh

arghh

White and blue, yes.

Ultramarines

Yes sir, blue is a very cool colour sir, I'm sure the other legions will look up to you. Did you have any thoughts on the shade sir, there are rather a lot of blues.

Ultramarine.

I should have known.

Creative writing?

Death Guard

Bone colour? Yes I'm sure we can do that for you, it should blend nicely with desert planets.

And green? Well it's original I'll grant you, most people that like bone colours generally like to mix it with darker tones, but ok.

I'm sorry?

You want us to paint rusty streaks on it as well? Whatever for?


Thousand Sons

Yes sir, we have already had someone ask for red.

Yes sir I know your name and your moniker.

You could add some gold trim, that might make it look more impressive than the other red legion?

Ok yes, red, gold, and beetles. Any particular kind?

Right.

Luna Wolves

Well I don't mean to cause trouble sir, but we have already had a wolf-related name suggested and they're wearing grey as well.

Yes, I'm sure light grey will make it look very different, what a genius, original idea.

Word Bearers

More red eh?

Oh sorry, dark red. With black. Yes I'm sure that will place you above any suspicion your brothers might have, and adding script in a language no-one else can read won't change that at all.

I'm sorry? Then pain over it in washable grey paint, whatever for? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Salamanders

Green. Well I suppose we've not had any requests for green before, and yes it's very well related to your legion's name.

What that? Fiery patches? Yes sir, we have some very talented artificers who would love to provide you with painted embellishments sir.

Thank you, thank you very much!

Raven Guard

Black and White. well, yes it will look striking, and I'm familiar with your legion's methods, but, would white make you stand out of the shadows a bit?

You know, just a tiny amount?

Ow! That's sharp! No need to be rude, just trying to help!

Alpha Legion

Oh come ON, what is it with you people, seriously! Turquoise? TURQUOISE?!?

I mean, F*?%ING TURQUOISE???

Do any of you have any military understanding whatsoever?

What happened to khaki greens, urban greys, desert brown?

No, we don't want those colours, we want bright blood red, we want yellow, bright green, ultramarine blue, f*?%ing turquoise and DEEP, CHUFFING, PURPLE?

Next thing you know they'll be calling it 'grape'.